Bro

Pardon the formatting. I copy-pasted this from Final Draft. I'll get around to refixing the format sometime.

SCENE: CANARY CLUB
TIME: PRESENT DAY
The scene opens. There is a round table at center with three chairs around it and a dance pole on a platform to the side.
Enter the WAITER, carrying two more chairs, which he hurriedly adds to the table. He exits and comes back with a napkin holder, an ash-tray and a rag. He places the napkin holder and ash-tray on the table before wiping it with his rag. He exits as DANCER enters and climbs the platform. ROJ, MYK, KEN, THIRD and RUSS run in, taking their seats at the table.
MYK
Bro! Right on time.
KEN
(Drags his chair to the DANCER)
Nasty, bro. Ken likes this.
THIRD
“Ken da Man!”
ROJ
We could have beaten rush hour if not for the indecisive Russ taking millennia to get dressed. 
RUSS
Roj, you know this thing called culture? Might want to get some so close to prom.
THIRD
Low-blow, bro!
ROJ
Nonsense, Third. Beer?
RUSS
Finally a good idea. 
MYK
Bucket!
KEN
(Drags his chair back)
She’s nasty, bros. She’s got them big boobies, I’m in lust!
MYK
You say that every time.
KEN
Yeah, and so?
MYK
I mean we come here every night, we order beer, get drunk, watch Carmelita-
ROJ
Carmelita?
THIRD
Who’s Carmelita?
RUSS
Yeah, who’s Carmelita?
MYK
(Gestures at DANCER)
She’s Carmelita.
RUSS
Isn’t her name Mona?
ROJ
No. It begins with an ‘A.’ Abigail, Amanda, dunno.
KEN
Mona, Amanda, Carmita, don’t fucking care. Unless she’s a Jose down there!
THIRD
Fuckin’ A, man!
KEN
Yeah, and so? Unlike Myk, we don’t have stable lovelives!
MYK
Just hold on, bro. The right woman is waiting for you.
KEN
In my bedroom?
THIRD
With no clothes on?
RUSS
Wide-open?
ROJ
With a hot friend?
MYK
Stop it, guys!
(Gets out cigarettes)
Watch and learn.
(Lights and puffs a cigarette)
Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
(Exhales the smoke)
RUSS
(Lights and puffs a cigarette)
Floccinaucinihilipilification
(Exhales the smoke)
ROJ
(Lights and puffs a cigarette)
Hippopotomonstrosesqui-
The smoke comes out. He puffs again.
ROJ (CONT’D)
Pneumonoultramicroscopicsi-
The smoke comes out.
THIRD
Fail! Damn, long word.
(Lights and puffs a cigarette)
Coincidental.
(Exhales the smoke)
KEN
(Lights and puffs a cigarette)
Boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies, boobies- 
(Exhales the smoke)
MYK
You’re causing a scandal! No girls to bother tonight?
KEN
Just out with the guys.
MYK
How’s Natasha?
KEN
We broke up.
MYK
Weren’t you two hitting it off?
KEN
Hitting it off? Well, I hit her. And I was off!
MYK
Another notch on your bedpost? Another ‘I-Ken-do-it’ story?
KEN
Nasty, bro. It’s an art. Besides, with my body, who cannot fall in bed with me if I ask them real suavely?
RUSS
To think Natasha seems so sweet and innocent. Who knew what a slut she was?
MYK
She’s not a slut, bro! She’s an independent woman capable of making sexual decisions for herself.
THIRD
In other words - 
KEN, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Slut!
ROJ
We’re completely skirting the point. If our alcohol were here, I’d say we toast to Ken’s, what is it, 18th conquest?
KEN
What to say? I’m a lone wolf. I bang ‘em and I run like hell!
ROJ
You’re the champion of cunnilingus
RUSS
The prince of the penis.
MYK
The saint of sex.
THIRD
The baron of boobies.
ROJ
The father of fucking.
MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
You got to teach us how you do it.
Lights change.
KEN
My name is Ken. And tonight, I dance the Samba
Music plays. KEN and the DANCER dance a festive samba. Music fades out.
KEN (CONT’D)
Sex. That’s all we care about, right? How many girls you’ve done the nasty with and how much you can go brag about it. It’s glorified everywhere. Bluff? Picture a nine year-old boy innocently taking out one of daddy’s nasty little videos.
KEN points a remote to the platform. THIRD lies on the DANCER.
KEN (CONT’D)
We boys are expected to be sexual beasts. To charge at every opportunity. To thrust our masculinity everywhere. To get off at any and every possible opportunity. God!
KEN points the remote to the platform. THIRD and the DANCER return to normal.
KEN (CONT’D)
I was supposed to go out with Natasha.
The DANCER takes out a cellphone and paces.
KEN (CONT’D)
I stood her up. I dunno why. She asked me to take her virginity and I agreed. But I chickened out at the last minute. I just couldn’t do it. And it kills me - all the pressure to live up to as the sex god of the school.
ROJ
This year’s award for the most virile student goes to Ken!
KEN
Thank you, thank you all. Do they know? Behind their jokes, are they actually making fun of me? Have they found out?
ROJ
The ‘Big V?’ After all this time and all your stories about those poor girls you’ve been with, you’re...you’re a virgin? I’m gonna tell everyone! They’re all gonna laugh at you. They’re all gonna laugh at you!
Everyone points and laughs at KEN.
KEN
The truth is I’m scared. I panicked under the heat of the moment and told everyone I’ve done the nasty with girls already. And the story just stuck. ‘Twas fun to be under the spotlight, to be of prominence and power, to be the Adonis.
KEN poses while RUSS snaps photos.
KEN (CONT’D)
It wasn’t all a lie. One time I sought ‘professional help.’
The DANCER sits provocatively. KEN approaches but stops.
KEN (CONT’D)
I was to meet with a whore a friend goes to, but I stopped. While part of me was afraid of the unknown frontier, the real reason I couldn’t do it, not even with her? It all started with this class video I saw. I don’t want to get - diseases!
The other boys chase KEN like zombies.
MYK
Chlamydia!
THIRD
Gonorrhea!
RUSS
Syphilis!
ROJ
Herpes!
MYK
Crabs!
ROJ
Warts!
THIRD
HIV
RUSS
Hepatitis
KEN
No!
KEN faints. The other boys return to their positions. Sirens are heard.
RUSS
Come in. Do you copy? We have a situation, code 1-87. Over.
MYK
We copy. We’re dispatching a unit right away. What’s the probable cause of death? Over.
RUSS
Murder in the first degree. There’s a bunch of suspects lined-up for questioning. Over.
MYK
The usual suspects, serg? Over.
RUSS
Yes. It’s Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Syphilis, Herpes, Wa-
KEN shouts. RUSS and ROJ go back.
KEN
Call me paranoid, I say safe. Abstinence is the safest sex. Right! But, damn, I just want, no, need to fuck someone, something, whatever. Fast! They’re bound to find out about this. I love my life way too much to be dashed by a lie. I will live up to the dream. And I will lose my virginity.
Everyone goes back to their positions. The WAITER enters with a bucket of beer and sets it down before exiting.
ROJ
At long last! Now, we can toast to Ken’s virility.
KEN
Guys, who here has all the girls? I don’t need this.
MYK
To what then?
THIRD
(Gestures to the DANCER)
To her!
MYK
Desdemona!
THIRD
Juliet!
ROJ
Ophelia!
KEN
Hermia!
RUSS
Viola!
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Cheers!
ROJ
She reminds me of all the lessons we had in Geometry - half-spheres, angles and figures.
THIRD
Ick. Bro, we’re drinkin’. Bad enough we get that crap two hours a day, five days a week, now it’s in our drinkin’ time?
RUSS
Still pissed about flunking out? Did you get a D? An F?
THIRD
Shut up, bro.
RUSS
She gave you an F?
THIRD
No.
KEN
She didn’t give you an F?
THIRD
No.
MYK
An E?
THIRD
No.
ROJ
A D?
THIRD
No.
RUSS
You didn’t fail?
THIRD
No.
KEN
You’re ribbing us.
THIRD
No.
ROJ
What grade did she give you?
THIRD
She gave me a C!
KEN, MYK, RUSS, ROJ
She gave you a C?!
THIRD
Yes! Let’s not talk about it anymore.
ROJ
Screw that. Game, guys? King’s Cup?
MYK
Okay.
KEN
Fine.
RUSS
Why not?
THIRD
Refresh the rules, please. I always forget this game.
RUSS
Dumb-ass.
MYK
Simple. We draw cards, then do stuff based on them.
ROJ
It was invented in the 1950’s by a group of -
MYK
Hush, hush, hush. Irrelevant. So, it goes like this. Two, you. Three, me. Four, floor. Five, high five. Six, dicks. Seven, women. Eight, mate. Nine, rhyme. Ten, ‘I never.’ Game.
ROJ puts cards on the table. He draws a FOUR. KEN, MYK, RUSS and ROJ put their hands on the table. 
THIRD
Damn. I forgot what four meant. 
(Takes a drink of beer)
THIRD gets a card. It’s a SEVEN.
MYK
Women. 
KEN, MYK, THIRD, ROJ
Russ?
RUSS
Fuck you!
ROJ
(Gestures to the DANCER)
What about her?
KEN offers the DANCER a drink. She stops dancing and accepts it. KEN draws a card. It’s a NINE.
KEN
Nine, rhyme. ‘Risky.’
ROJ
‘Nowitzki.’
RUSS
‘Stanislavski.’
MYK
‘Ski.’
THIRD
Damn it.
(Takes a shot)
RUSS
Third, losing at drinking games. How unexpected.
ROJ
Speaking of unexpected, Myk has been with Sophia for more than a year now.
THIRD
Woah! Congrats, bro. Nice showin’.
KEN
Who’d have thought that among us, it’s little Mikey who’d nail the broad.
MYK
Thanks, guys. We had a rough start, but we’re in a good place now. Her parents like me, papa loves her. Just perfect.
RUSS
Good for you. May I just make one teeny-tiny comment?
MYK
Go on.
RUSS
Check what she’s eating, bro! Not to call anyone a cow, but her arms, her cheeks, her ass, all plump!
THIRD
Uncool, Russ. Bro, chill, she’s not fat.
MYK
Thanks, Third.
KEN
Question. Have you and Sophia ever done the nasty?
RUSS
Have you?
THIRD
Have you?
ROJ
Have you?
MYK
Guys, unlike Ken, I don’t kiss and tell.
ROJ
No fun, dude!
KEN
Spill! Just the five of us. 
MYK
I’m a growing boy! I need food, water, shelter and a little loving at the end of a long, hard day.
THIRD
Now, that’s what I’m sayin’! 
MYK
Bros, prom in two weeks. Got your partners?
ROJ
Still searching.
RUSS
Dateless.
THIRD
Well, no.
KEN
Going stag, better to get more ladies.
THIRD
How about you, Myk? You and Sophia goin’ together?
MYK
We are.
ROJ
And you’re going to the graduation ball together?
MYK
We are.
KEN
And you’re going to college together?
MYK
We are.
Lights change. 
RUSS
And you’re going to have a baby together?
MYK
I have a girlfriend. Don’t take me wrong, I care for her. Sophia’s gorgeous, intelligent, rich - everybody’s dreamgirl. Everyone, but mine. I can see it now, our magical prom night.
MYK and the DANCER dance to sweet music. Everyone is on prom mode.
MYK (CONT’D)
Gliding on the dance floor, she leans back and they gasp at our beauty, perfect looks, perfect together. They’d never doubt we belong together.
RUSS
Ladies and gentlemen, time to crown this year’s prom king and queen! With a landslide vote, what a surprise, this year’s top couple - Myk and Sophia!
MYK and the DANCER are crowned.
MYK
It’s hypocritical to say I didn’t like the accolades, the bows, the crowns. Yet, they come at a price. What did I pay? Nothing much, just happiness, youth, sanity. To papa, that’s just a kilo of chicken.
The other boys cluck.
MYK (CONT’D)
But the truth? We were sucked into this relationship. A business partnership, a forced seduction. Listen to the bells of tomorrow.
Wedding music fades in.
ROJ
Sophia, do you take Myk to be your lawfully wedded husband in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part?
The DANCER nods.
ROJ (CONT’D)
And do you, Myk, take Sophia to be your lawfully wedded wife in sickness and in health, ‘til death do you part?
MYK
I - I...
ROJ
Myk, I’m waiting.
MYK
I...can’t
THIRD clears his throat loudly.
MYK (CONT’D)
Papa! I mean, yes, yes, of course, I will. I mean, I do. My name is Myk. And tonight, I dance the Waltz.
Waltz music plays. MYK and the DANCER dance a slow waltz. Music fades out.
THIRD
(Raising a champagne glass)
Congratulations to Myk and Sophia! To the start of a fruitful conglomeration between the biggest clans in the Metro!
KEN, THIRD, RUSS
Congratulations!
Rice is thrown. The DANCER moves away.
MYK
Thank you, papa. The biggest regret I’ve had is losing her.
KEN lies on top of the DANCER.
KEN
Oh, Natasha! Babe, yes, a little to the left now! 
MYK
Damn you, Ken! You can fuck any girl you want, yet you choose to defile Natasha? The sweet, innocent Natasha. And, you, you scumbag animal, you turn her into another of your cheap discarded sexual playthings! Get away from her!
KEN and the DANCER separate.
MYK (CONT’D)
Tasha, I’d break up with Sophia and tell you how I feel. To hell with what papa would say. But, I can’t. First, there’s Ken. And second, things became more fucked up.
The DANCER is seen carrying a doll.
MYK (CONT’D)
She’s 18 days delayed. We don’t know yet. And it’s freaking me out, this bullshit that I shouldn’t even be dealing with. 
Carrying the doll, the DANCER goes near MYK, slapping him on the shoulder.
MYK (CONT’D)
Yes? What do you mean I don’t give you enough money? I just gave you money for two weeks of milk. New shoes? You’re joking, you just bought that thing shoes last week. Don’t give me that crap, I care about it the same way you do. Let me guess, you blew it all again on a bad tip? This is exactly what you did last week with the Cherry account. Just leave all the business decisions to me. It’s our joint company, but you have the business sense of a peacock! No, I’m not shouting at you, just leave, go do the dishes, please!
The DANCER goes away.
MYK (CONT’D)
Bitch. Am I even living any resemblance of life anymore?
(Passes out on table)
ROJ
Dearly beloved, we gather here to say our good-byes. Here he lies, we never knew the real him. Dead at 17!
THIRD
Such a promisin’ young lad. Dead at 17!
KEN
The future was in front of him. Dead at 17!
RUSS
The world could’ve bowed down to him. Dead at 17!
KEN, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Dead at 17. Dead at 17. Dead at 17
MYK
Dead at 17?
Everyone goes back to their positions. The WAITER enters with a bucket of beer and sets it down before exiting.
KEN
They’re here.
ROJ
What I like, more lube.
RUSS
Gay!
THIRD
Bros, to Myk and Sophia.
MYK
Guys, I’d rather my lovelife not be jinxed.
ROJ
Suit yourself. To whom do we toast then?
RUSS
Her again.
(Gestures towards the DANCER)
ROJ
Carrie!
KEN
Samantha!
RUSS
Miranda!
THIRD
Charlotte!
MYK
Candice!
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Cheers!
RUSS
Is it not weird that we’ve never heard her speak?
THIRD
She doesn’t know our language. They say she’s from a land from a faraway place.
KEN
Quiapo?
ROJ
Krus na Ligas?
RUSS
Baclaran?
MYK
Area 2?
THIRD
Gago! A more exotic place. Venezuela. Madrid. Paris.
MYK
Gago! She’s Filipina.
KEN
Filipina, Mexican, from Baclaran, doesn’t matter. If she can get me off tonight, she could come from hell for all I care.
MYK
Pervert. Me, I’m just here for the company.
RUSS
Mr. Happily-Married.
THIRD
Why aren’t you, Russ?
RUSS
Me? Holding out, I guess.
ROJ
How’s the team? Ready to take no prisoners at the next game?
RUSS
Know those underpaid sweatshop factories? That’s our work-out regime. We’re not even allowed to drink during our game.
ROJ
And when has the great unconventional party-boy ever listened to rules? Remember when you wore a red suit to a funeral?
RUSS
Like yesterday.
MYK
When you got drunk as hell near St. Agnes Academy.
RUSS
Good times.
KEN
When you brought a whole pack of Marlboro to class?
RUSS
A grand vision.
THIRD
When you spied on the rival team captain?
RUSS
Enough about me. What I want to know is how you snagged a ‘C’ in math.
MYK
Yeah, last I heard, you were flunking math.
THIRD
I don’t wanna talk about it.
KEN
C’mon, bro, tell us how you did it.
ROJ
How’d you do it, bro?
RUSS
What’cha do, bro?
MYK
What happened, bro?
THIRD
I studied, okay!
KEN, MYK, RUSS, ROJ
Right.
RUSS
Study? You?
THIRD
I did! I studied for the finals.
MYK
Bluff!
ROJ
I’m in.
RUSS
I’m in.
MYK
I’m in.
KEN
Four against one?
THIRD
Fine! I had a little help.
MYK
You tutored with Ma’am Santos?
THIRD
Fuck, no! I wouldn’t waste time with that veiny hag.
MYK
Then, who?
THIRD
Suzie.
ROJ
Thick-glasses Suzie?
MYK
Ugly braces Suzie?
KEN
Scoliosis Suzie?
RUSS
Fashion victim Suzie?
THIRD nods.
ROJ
Ack! Social suicide, bro! Why?
THIRD
I thought it’d be a nice joke. Foolin’, playin’ around, yet keepin’ my GPA high.
MYK
Be thankful no one knows about this. You’d be the mockery of the entire school.
KEN
The prankster, the meanest boy in class dating that social reject? Epic fail, bro.
THIRD
We aren’t datin’! Maybe we should soften up on her. She’s not that bad.
RUSS
Bro, so gay!
THIRD
Knock it off, Russ. But seriously, she’s sensitive, kind, really smart. She just gets me.
RUSS
You say that as if you were a couple.
MYK
Just find a way to end this, whatever this is. Prom’s in two weeks. Do you want the stench of being in the same room as Suzie to be on your rep when asking a chick out to prom?
ROJ
Unless you’ve already asked Suzie to prom?
RUSS
You haven’t, have you?
THIRD remains silent. The boys groan.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Fuck, man! Why?
KEN
Gross.
THIRD
Part of our agreement. She’d teach me math and, in return, I’d take her to prom.
ROJ
Are you two in love?
The boys make kiss-y sounds.
ROJ (CONT’D)
Oh, Suzie, I love your awful knotty hair and your lopsided lips and your horribly painted nails and your - 
Lights change.
THIRD
It wasn’t supposed to happen this way. Call it serendipity, fate, goddamn destiny. Just a day in school, cruisin’, lovin’, havin’ a few laughs. Perhaps too much laughs.
The DANCER crosses wearing glasses and carrying a pile of books. KEN, ROJ, RUSS and THIRD meet her at the center. The boys run around the DANCER.
THIRD (CONT’D)
Nerd!
RUSS
Lesbian!
ROJ
Poor!
KEN
Virgin!
THIRD
Loser!
The DANCER runs to a chair. Everyone faces front and sits.
MYK
Exam results!
KEN, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Sir!
MYK
Suzie, A.
THIRD
‘A’ as in ass. Have you seen what she has?
MYK
Everyone else. Pass. Except you, Third. Another F. You’re stupid. You’re worthless. You’re useless. You won’t amount to anything, you pathetic idiot. Work harder, Third.
THIRD
Work harder, Third. You won’t get to good colleges, Third. No one would ever hire you, Third. Boo-freaking-hoo. Very well. If that’s what y’all want me to do. I’ll study!
ROJ
It’s time to play ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire!’ For the first question, two trains from Boston and New York are traveling towards each other. The Boston train is going 75 miles per hour for the first thirty minutes, accelerating to 80 in the next thirty minutes. The New York train is going 82 miles per hour. Now, if their starting points are 215 miles apart, how many minutes before they meet?
RUSS
A. Pi.
KEN
B. 17.
MYK
C. I’m such a stupid idiot.
THIRD
What the hell? How is this crap going to make me a better person?
ROJ
Use your lifeline. How about calling a friend?
THIRD
If only there were someone who could teach me all this shit.
THIRD looks around and approaches the DANCER, reading a book to the side.
THIRD (CONT’D)
Suzie? It’s me, Third. We’re classmates in math. You know me? Right. Listen, about that whole loser and nerd thing, I’m really sorry. Anyway, I was wonderin’, seein’ as how you’re so good at all that number stuff, that maybe you could help me? I’m failin’ math and I can’t afford another F. Suzie, please? Very well, if you don’t want to.
THIRD turns away as the DANCER puts her hand on his shoulder.
THIRD (CONT’D)
You will? Great! You’re awesome. Just keep this between us?
THIRD and the DANCER study.
THIRD (CONT’D)
It was a bit awkward at first. But then, she makes all the equations seem so simple. As time passes, I saw something unique in her. It’s as if she were the function y=0 and I was y=1/x. As time grows longer, we keep getting closer.
(Leaves the DANCER)
Plus, in her own way, she is really pretty.
KEN
Bros, prom in three weeks! You ready?
THIRD
Prom? Do you think Suzie will agree if I ask her? Well, fortune favors the bold. Suzie!
THIRD attempts to get back to the DANCER. The other boys block him, patintero style.
THIRD (CONT’D)
Get out of the way. Guys, you’re ruining my life. I want her. I like her. I want to be with her. Don’t stop me! Go away. Bro! Please, no. Suzie!
(Reaching the DANCER)
I love her. Suzie, would you like to go to prom with me? Yes! My name is Third. And tonight, I dance the Rhumba. 
Music plays. THIRD and the DANCER dance a rhythmic rhumba. Music fades out. 
THIRD (CONT’D)
Things are working out. Yes!
The DANCER crosses the stage.
KEN
Useless geek!
ROJ
You’re going to die alone.
THIRD
You’re a pathetic lose-
THIRD stops and looks at the DANCER.
THIRD (CONT’D)
I’ve done my fair share of meanness. But I deserve to be happy with her. I do! I dunno if this is going to work, but I want to give it a chance. I can be better. I will!
RUSS
(Banging a gavel)
Order in the court!
KEN
Your Honor, may I present the defendant. The prosecution will prove that the defendant is a no-good idiot who does not deserve love and should spend his life alone and miserable.
RUSS
Proceed.
KEN
Is it true, Third, that you deny liking Suzie?
THIRD
Yes.
KEN
And you insult her?
THIRD
Yes.
KEN
And you don’t even tell your closest friends about her?
THIRD
Yes.
KEN
Do you think you would make a good boyfriend to Suzie?
THIRD
Yes!
KEN
Honestly?
THIRD
Objection! Counsel is leading the witness.
RUSS
Overruled!
KEN, MYK, RUSS, ROJ 
Answer the question!
THIRD
No.
KEN
Your honor, the prosecution rests its case.
RUSS
The verdict?
ROJ
Guilty!
MYK
Guilty!
KEN
Guilty!
RUSS
Guilty! You are hereby forbidden from spending time with her! Come with us.
THIRD attempts to run to the DANCER. The other boys restrain him.
THIRD
No! Let me go. Suzie! I’m sorry. Suzie! Suzie! I’ll change for you. Stop! I love you, Suzie. Just like the functions y=0 and y=1/x, we may be getting closer and closer as time passes. But we will never be together.
Everyone goes back to their positions. The WAITER enters with a bucket of beer and sets it down before exiting.
ROJ
...and your horribly painted nails and your bad teeth and - 
THIRD
Bro. Just, stop it, please.
ROJ
Fine. A toast to Third actually passing something!
THIRD
Nah, I’m sure we have better things to celebrate than a stupid ‘C.’
KEN
Very well. Once more.
(Gestures towards the DANCER)
Serena!
RUSS
Blair!
ROJ
Jenny!
MYK
Vanessa!
THIRD
Georgina!
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Cheers!
ROJ
Excellent beer.
KEN
Roj, how’s it going?
ROJ
Good. The paper’s brimming with news.
KEN
Oh yeah. I always forget that you’re the editor of our paper. It’s just so not you.
RUSS
School paper? More like a tabloid rag of gossip-ridden fags.
MYK
Chill, Russ.
KEN
I’m with Russ here. All your headlines are these hook-ups between couples or an expose on the fishy past of a student.
THIRD
Roj, the Lois Lane of the school, writing super gossip.
MYK
Roj, the Pulitzer Prize winner for the red hot scoop straight from the restroom.
KEN
Roj, the New York Times Best-seller for his book containing blind items of teacher-student relationships.
RUSS
Roj, the Inquirer columnist whose uncensored tongue spreads profanity and lies among the weak.
ROJ
Guys, it’s a stupid school paper.
KEN
I hope you write something worth my money every now and then. I already know about all the affairs you mention there. After all, I’m part of most of them.
THIRD
I better not see ‘Popular Jock Dates Social Retard’ in your paper. I’ll bash this bottle over your head if you do.
ROJ
Guys, relax. Besides, Russ? We featured the basketball incident last week.
RUSS
I wasn’t able to read it. I’m behind on my reading of trash.
MYK
Play nice. I read it, Roj. I found it to be a fair and balanced article.
RUSS
Hang on, you found something reproachable about my basketball team?
ROJ
Brawls, bad sportsmanship, losing against Greenfeld. Bro, I don’t make the news.
RUSS
Damn it, bro. Couldn’t you have talked to me first?
KEN
What really happened at that game, Russ?
RUSS
My head wasn’t in the game. I got distracted, bro.
KEN
The shirt you foolishly didn’t buy?
MYK
A new design for the team jersey?
ROJ
Your prom ensemble?
THIRD
The latest collection of Prada?
RUSS
Fuck you, guys. I put on a nice shirt and now I’m the fag.
KEN
You know the rules, bro.
THIRD
Why were you distracted?
RUSS
Just some personal life bullshit.
THIRD
A girl?
RUSS
No, just leave it be, okay, Third?
THIRD
What did I do?
RUSS
Just stop talking, Third.
ROJ
Cold. About the fight then, Russ?
RUSS
Let’s just say heated comments were said during the game. I wanted to put those fucking pussies in their right places.
ROJ
You started the fight, then?
RUSS
Damn right.
THIRD
What about Greenfeld’s captain? What was his name again?
RUSS
Jared. I hung-out with him a couple of times when I was trying to steal their strategy.
MYK
What could you and that asshole Greenfeld have in common?
RUSS
He is an ass.
Lights change.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Jared. Coach told me to get close to him so I could steal strategies from our biggest opponent.
Someone throws him a ball which he starts dribbling.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Thanks! We could learn the workings of their team and score some hidden weakness before the game.
MYK approaches him and they start playing basketball.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Hey, Jared. I’m Russ.
(Does a fancy dribble)
Can you do this? Yeah, yeah, come on. Wooh! And he shoots!
As RUSS jumps to shoot the ball, MYK blocks him and accidentally hugs him. They stare into each other for a moment and suddenly RUSS kisses MYK.
KEN, THIRD, ROJ
Do, do, do, do do, do be do, do do do do do do, do, be, do.
MYK
Uh, yes!
RUSS
It may seems a little slutty. But, it’s just physical. His body against mine. The heat of the game letting itself out in the ultimate act of competition. If I want him, he’s mine.
ROJ
Harder!
KEN
Faster!
THIRD
Wetter!
MYK
Oh god, help me.
RUSS
He’s hot, he has a nice ass and I’ll be damned if I say he’s not the first guy I’ve wanted. Jared introduced me to a dark of myself that I never thought existed.
MYK
You whore! You cannibal!
RUSS
Jared was fun to be with. But, he let things get way over his head. Especially during the game.
KEN, THIRD, ROJ
I say, Brrr! It’s cold in here. There must be some Russel in the atmosphere! Woooh! Go team!
They toss the DANCER in the air.
MYK
(Dribbling)
Hey, babe.
RUSS
Babe?
MYK
You free tonight? We could watch the latest episode of Glee.
KEN
Fag. Fag. Fag. Fag.
RUSS
(Punches MYK)
Damn you!
ROJ
School rumble! In the left corner, weighing 135 pounds, captain of the Greenfeld basketball team, Jared! In the right corner, weighing 140 pounds, Russ, the closet queen!
KEN
Fight! Fight! Fight!
MYK
Come on, dude. Hit me. Hit the very thing you despise above all. Hit that which you are afraid of becoming. Come on! You’re a man. Do it!
RUSS
I wasn’t always like this. I think this is just a phase. I consider myself to have had a healthy normal childhood.
THIRD
Let’s play Justice League! I call Superman. Up, up and away!
ROJ
I’m Batman
MYK
Flash, the Fastest Man Alive!
KEN
Green Lantern. In brightest day, in blackest night.
RUSS
Of all people you know who I am, who the world needs me to be. I’m Wonder Woman. Actually, Jared was an asshole. He had a very nice tight ass, but he was still a giant asshole. But, I digress. There’s someone else right now. It’s the feeling these horndogs get when they enter this club.
(Gestures towards the DANCER)
They’re happy she’s dancing. And that’s fine with me. But, given a choice, I’d really rather see this.
The DANCER gets off the stage to be replaced by THIRD, taking his shirt off and dancing. ROJ, KEN and MYK dance around like in a gay bar.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Third. Oh, bro. You can be a gigantic, insensitive asshole yourself, don’t get me wrong. You make the meanest, the most politically incorrect comments at the worst possible times. 
(Inserts a bill inside THIRD’s pants)
But, beyond that, I actually agree with that Suzie girl. You’re a nice guy. And I’d really love to know you more.
THIRD puts his shirt back on and goes down. The rest stop dancing.
THIRD
Bro!
RUSS
Third! I know this great Chinese place, dinner later?
THIRD
Sure. Is Ken or Myk or even Roj coming?
RUSS
I asked but they seemed busy.
THIRD
Oh, okay. See you later, then.
RUSS
Should I tell Third my true feelings? I dunno. I think he could like me too. But I’m not sure.
THIRD and the DANCER approach.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Third! And, who is this?
THIRD
My friend, I’ve noticed how down you were since you lost the game. I bought - este, brought you a little cheer-me-up.
RUSS
A hooker. You brought a hooker to dinner?
THIRD
Hey, she’s classy, dude. I even recommended her to Ken.
RUSS
Great. Just awesome.
THIRD
Listen, sorry to bail but I kinda have a last-minute date. Sorry, bro. Talk soon, okay?
THIRD leaves, sitting down and taking out a book, studying.
RUSS
Right, great, fine, just make-my-day type of awesome
The DANCER sits on him.
RUSS (CONT’D)
Uh, damn it, Russ. Why do you keep having all these fantasies of guys liking you? And, of all people, Third? Shit. Uh, yes. That’s it, right there. Fuck you, Third! I want you, Third! Putang ina! I want you! My name is Russ. And tonight, I dance the Tango.
Music plays. RUSS and the DANCER dance a fast tango. Music fades out. Everyone goes back to their positions. The WAITER enters with a bucket of beer and sets it down before exiting.
KEN
Weird.
ROJ
We didn’t order more beer, right?
MYK
Maybe he thought we want more? I dunno. Any other reason?
THIRD
It could be some cheap plot device employed by the author to signal a rapid change from a horribly derivative dream sequence into reality.
RUSS
That’s insane.
MYK
Totally absurd.
KEN
Unbelievable.
ROJ
Are you high?
THIRD
Whatever. Hey, Russ, to your next win.
RUSS
Thanks, bro. But we lost, so, no thanks. Appreciated though.
ROJ
One more time?
(Gestures at the DANCER)
Belle!
KEN
Jasmine!
MYK
Ariel!
THIRD
Aurora!
RUSS
Prince Eric - I mean, Cinderella!
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Cheers!
KEN
Roj, you okay?
ROJ
Just got a lot to think about. The paper, college, yearbook. Guy’s got a limit.
MYK
Busybody! Take a breather, dude, that’s why we’re here.
KEN
You’re not yourself lately. You’re thinner, paler and more distant than before.
THIRD
Like a vampire?
RUSS
Like that Twilight crap?
ROJ
Gross!
MYK
Yuck!
KEN
Ew!
THIRD
Disgusting!
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
Ick!
KEN
Roj, what are you not telling us?
ROJ
Nothing, bro. Stop insisting that there’s a secret that would magically get revealed by a gratuitous monologue.
THIRD
Bro, your mom called.
ROJ
What!
MYK
Social suicide situation aside, she sounded really concerned.
KEN
Skipping meals.
RUSS
Insomnia.
MYK
Trembles.
THIRD
Fevers.
ROJ
Shit! My mom should really stay out of my business.
KEN
Roj, it’s okay. What’s going on?
MYK
Did your family start making decisions for you?
THIRD
Did your brain stop understanding complex fractions?
KEN
Do you have HIV or chlamydia?
RUSS
Do you have one of those sexy eating disorders?
ROJ
No. I keep telling you, I’m fine. Shit! Just stop prying.
MYK
You’ve been down lately. Talk to us, bro. We’re your friends.
KEN
Your buddies.
THIRD
Your amigos.
RUSS
Your bros.
Lights change.
ROJ
Ken, Third, Russ, Myk. And then there’s Roj. Poor, insignificant Roj. They with their money, their culture, their looks, their intelligence. It’s so graceful the way they rule this school, lording it over, snagging all the girls they want. They’re...they’re immortal.
(Takes out his cellphone)
‘Roj, swimming later at the beach. Bring beer.’ Short notice much guys? Let’s invite Roj last, shall we? Damn. No more cash. Ma? She’s not home. What excuse could I use this time. ‘Hey, guys, sorry, busy. Have to write article.’
RUSS
Your loss, bro. Guys, skinny dipping!
KEN
Let’s keep our clothes on, bro.
ROJ
Interesting. Friends, yet I’m always the one left out. The outsider, the one who doesn’t belong. Yes, I hang out with them. But, at the end of the day, I go home alone.
(Takes out an old laptop)
Facebook. Thou art the respite of those of us without a functional social life. Notifications, zero. Friend requests, zero. Messages, zero. I’m a good writer, why don’t people like my statuses?
KEN assumes a pretty boy pose.
ROJ (CONT’D)
Typical, but cool. Status update, ‘Just nailed this hot chick. Clue, her name starts with N and rhymes with Batasha.’ Bro, name-dropping! Like. Next. Here’s Third.
THIRD moons the audience.
ROJ (CONT’D)
Unclassy as usual. Status message, ‘Fuck.’ That’s poetic. Relationship status, ‘It’s complicated.’ Odd. ‘What’s this? Rock on, bro.’ Right, now, Russ.
RUSS poses with THIRD.
ROJ (CONT’D)
Whatever you fancy, bro. Status, ‘I love balls.’ Ew. ‘I knew it. LOL.’ Finally, Myk.
MYK and the DANCER pose sweetly.
ROJ (CONT’D)
‘In a relationship with Sophia.’ Bastard!
(Stands and looks at MYK)
I know how you look at other girls, sneaking in looks at Ken’s Natasha. You crafty, ungrateful bastard!
(Pushes MYK)
Can you not admire the beauty of fair Sophia? Such elegant skin, such gorgeous face, that the sun itself would hide in shame in her presence!
RUSS
Cheezy!
KEN
Cliche!
ROJ
Sophia, forget him. He doesn’t care for you! He’s using you for his personal gain. But, I want you. I’ve liked you since grade school, but you never looked in my direction, not once, Sophia. Take a chance on me. 
The DANCER shakes her head and leaves.
ROJ (CONT’D)
No! Sophia, please!
(Writing on pen and paper)
‘On Rejection. When summer winds will again fly. To mountains untainted and new. Today is a good day to die.’
THIRD
What a horrible metaphor!
MYK
You’re a crappy writer.
ROJ
‘I want to learn how not to cry. A time of having feelings true. When summer winds will again fly.’
KEN
This is poetry?
ROJ
‘With the storms of June drawing nigh. And dark angels frolicking flew. Today is a good day to die.’
RUSS
Such a waste of toilet paper.
ROJ gets a knife and tries to stab himself but fails. He tries to shoot himself with a gun but it wasn’t loaded. Finally, he opens a bottle of poison and drinks the content.
ROJ
Death is not the coward’s way out. It’s the poet’s.
(Falls)
THIRD
Somebody call 911!
The DANCER goes down. RUSS gets a clipboard and a stethoscope.
RUSS
You’re Roj’s mother? The damages are very severe. His kidneys have suffered greatly.
ROJ
What good friends.
RUSS
However, we’ve pumped out most of the poison.
ROJ
What great buddies.
RUSS
He’ll survive.
ROJ
What awesome amigos.
RUSS
I’d advice psychiatry. Apart from that, he’s good to go.
ROJ
Bros! That’s why I enjoy doing the school paper. It may be fun to dig up dirt on respectable people, but, to a degree, it’s perfect for me. I take one step back and watch everyone whose lives are better and far more noteworthy than mine. My name is Roj. And tonight, I dance the cha-cha.
Music plays. ROJ and the DANCER dance a novelty cha-cha. Music fades out. Everyone but ROJ goes back to their original positions. ROJ continues dancing until he realizes people are staring at him. The WAITER enters with a bucket of beer and the bill. He waits for someone to pay him before exiting
KEN
Very well, Roj. You’re fine. Nothing to worry about.
MYK
Last drink?
RUSS
Alright, let’s do this.
KEN
Nicole!
THIRD
Gwyneth!
ROJ
Halle!
MYK
Charlize!
RUSS
Sandra!
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS
Chee-
ROJ
Guys, this is our last toast. To Ken and his unending pursuit of the vagina.
KEN
To Myk and his eternal commitment to Sophia.
MYK
To Third and his continuous search to improve his grades.
THIRD
To Russ and his unyieldin’ ardor for basketball.
RUSS
And to Roj and his steadfast commitment to journalism.
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
(To audience)
And to you, and you and you, you and you. Bros for life, cheers!
They drink the beer and sit down.
MYK
Bros, it’s been fun, but let’s call it a night?
THIRD
You got me. I’m beat.
RUSS
Tired as hell.
KEN
My body wants its bed.
ROJ
I’m pretty wasted.
MYK
Okay. shall we, bros?
KEN, MYK, THIRD, RUSS, ROJ
(To audience)
Bye!
KEN
Myk, can I hitch?
RUSS
Hey, Third, my folks are out, would you like to sleep over?
The boys drag themselves out, KEN with MYK and THIRD with RUSS, while ROJ is alone. The WAITER enters and buses the table. The DANCER performs a slow finale.
FIN
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