The Revelation Dilemma (A Big Bang Theory Fan Fiction)
(DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THESE CHARACTERS. This is simply a work of fan fiction)
“Someone’s knocking at the door,” Sheldon told Amy over their videochat.
“Be careful that it’s not a serial killer out to harvest your brains,” Amy replied, subsequently shutting her laptop down.
Sheldon stood and waddled to the front door.
“Hello, Raj,” Sheldon said, seeing who it was.
“Hi, Sheldon,” Raj replied. “Can I come in?”
“Of course you can,” Sheldon said, not moving from the doorway. “You have feet that are capable of motion. The apartment is a space that matter can occupy.”
“May I come in?” Raj replied tersely.
“Well, I don’t see why not. Come on in.”
Raj entered, looking around.
“Is Leonard home?”
“No. Once again, Leonard has fallen prey to the viciousness that is his libido,” Sheldon said. “Have a seat.”
“Thank you. So, have you seen the new Green Lantern movie?”
“No, I’m planning on saving my money for something more useful.” Sheldon sat on his spot. “Perhaps to donate to the support group for people who’ve seen the new Green Lantern movie.”
“I thought it was a promising enterprise that failed in scriptwriting, special effects, directing…” Raj started enumerating.
“What a ton of words to mean crap,” Sheldon interrupted. “Anyway, what brings you here? Is Howard not free from whatever petty engineering duties he has?”
“I went to his place but all I heard were loud shouts with his mother involving bodily functions and a certain body part I do not wish to speak of again.” Raj gave a face as if he were about to puke.
Sheldon acknowledged the expression. “Understandable. Now please go to the purpose of your visit.”
“I came to tell you something.”
“That wouldn’t seem to interest me at all.” Sheldon slowly stood up. “What makes you think I have any interest in listening to your narcissistic ramblings about yourself?”
“Sheldon, please listen,” Raj begged.
“No, I’m sorry, I have more important things to do with my day. You see, I’m on the verge of winning a Nobel Prize.”
“Sheldon, sit,” Raj commanded. Sheldon immediately sat down again.
“I guess I could give you five minutes of my time,” he conceded.
“Sheldon,” Raj said, looking at him. “I’m coming out.”
“Out of what?”
“No, I don’t know. There could be a number of things you’re coming out of. You drove here, so you came out of your car. It’s new comic book day, so you probably came out of the comic book store. I could go on, but I think I’ve made my point.”
“Sheldon,” Raj sighed. “I’m coming out of the closet.”
“Oh,” Sheldon paused. “That doesn’t seem logical. You don’t have a walk-in closet that one could enter and subsequently come out of. Unless, you’re referring to yourself getting stuck once again inside your closet. My good man, what is up with you and furniture?”
“I’m talking about the metaphorical closet!”
Sheldon paused once again. “Forgive me for not understanding the colloquial. But what is the metaphor to which you are referring?”
Raj stuttered for words. “You know, the, closet, where some happy people, you know, live.”
“Happy people living in closets. Dear lord, what have the hippies done.”
“Sheldon, I’m trying to tell you I’m gay!”
Sheldon stared at Raj. “Well, you don’t sound so happy now.”
“Not that type of gay. The other type.”
“A guessing game, I do love that. Let’s see. Gay can be jubilant, euphoric, ecstatic. Oh my, there does seem to be an awful lot of words that could be types of gay. Would you mind giving me a clue?”
“I want to say sapiens but I feel that we’re starting to play a different game here. Raj, focus. As gamemaster, you’re in charge of making sure one game is finished before another is started.”
“Sheldon, how do I make this clear, I’m different.”
“If by different, you mean inefficient, then, yes, sir, you aren’t winning any prizes in the gamemasters convention this year.”
“Not that. A different kind of,” Raj stuttered, “different.”
“I’m going to have to ask for more information to proceed in this quite pointless conversation.”
“Sheldon, I’m queer.”
“Well, now how hard was that?” Sheldon asked, with Raj finally smiling. “Of course, you’re queer. You’re the only Indian I know who runs away from the smell of curry in the room. Quite frankly the hobo who lives down the block is more normal than you.”
“Sheldon – “
“I like men.”
“Oh,” Sheldon paused for a thought. “I myself prefer Supermen. But your fascination with the mundanity of humanity over the glorious world of heroics – may I suggest entering a more meaningful debate between Marvel versus DC?”
“As fun as that may sound, that is still not the point of my visit.”
“Well, hurry on to it. Dear god, the social labyrinth one has to maneuver just to get to the main topic you want to talk about.”
“Sheldon. I’m a homosexual,” Raj practically screamed. “I’m sexually attracted to men, not women.”
Sheldon blinked. “Alright. That doesn’t seem to involve me in any way. Why did you bring this up with me again?”
“I don’t know, because you’re my friend?”
“Are you sexually attracted to me?”
“Of course not.”
“But all those – “
“I said ‘no,’ Sheldon.”
Sheldon sat there, staring at Raj.
“I still don’t know why you had to come here and waste my time over your whole homosexual reveal thing. Haven’t you heard of e-mail?”
“I don’t know. I wanted to see how you’d react.”
“How’d I react?”
“Same way you always do. Like an Asimov robot.”
“I see. May I now ask to bring the topic to something relevant? Ie, today is Wednesday and Wednesday is Halo Night and I cannot imagine how I could play Halo all by myself.”
“Alright. I’ll play with you.”
“You can use this controller. Careful with it, it’s a little brittle. Don’t grab my joystick too hard.”