How to be a Bitch

1. Stop caring. Generally, about everything – life, love, family, the internet, this blog post, yourself. Just stop. Emotions are for the weak.

2. Start surfing fashion and beauty blogs. 75% of what makes a bitch a bitch is the metaphysical and cosmic importance of physical aesthetics. If you think you can wear last year’s clothes this year…you’re not a bitch.

3. Use sex as a weapon. Don’t sleep around but don’t be frigid as well. Calculate when (and how much) to put out. Don’t forget – at dates, you hold the power.

4. Get a fierce girl posse. They have to be beautiful but not too beautiful to outshine you. They can be dumb (at least one of them REALLY dumb. Borderline if not outright retarded). The important thing is that they should all fade in the background. The little things that make them distinct from each other should be kept hidden.

5. Practice the perfect smile. Tears are cheap so are loud laughs. But nothing could ever beat the power of a stunning smile. Flash this when you find out your boyfriend’s cheating on you, when your teacher told you you failed or when an asshole is right in front of you. It works. Don’t believe me? Go look at that conniving bitch Mona Lisa. People talked about her for centuries.

6. Master the eyes. If your lips are plastered in a perfect smile, your eyes should be able to do all the talking for you. There is the “I’m saying ‘hi’ but I laugh at you deep inside.” look. There is the “I’m asking you how you are and you should say thankful that you’re even acknowleding my existence.” There are much more, figure out all these lines.

7. Go for the jugular every time. When given the opportunity to release all the inner bitchiness, release ALL the bitchiness. Don’t just call the girl in front of you ‘ugly’ – that doesn’t work, she’s been called ugly all the time. Go for how everyone, including all whom she considers her friends, despise her. And how the second-hand top she’s wearing, you’ve donated last month.

8. Get the powerful people on your side. Being a bitch means skirting a fine line against authority. It would be in your best interest to get them on your side. How? I don’t care – bribe, blackmail, seduce, however.

9. Mark your territory. Even if you’re THE bitch, chances are there is another equally powerful bitch living nearby. Mark your zone well and respect it. Unless you want a bitch-against-bitch war, stay within the physical parameters of your bitchiness.

10. Stop reading this blog, get the fuck offline and start toying with someone’s life.

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CARD DRAWN:

FOUR OF PENTACLES

THIS IS THE TAROT CHALLENGE, a 78-day writing challenge where everyday I pick out a random card from my tarot deck and write something about, against, inspired by, based on the card by the day’s end. The works can range from poetry to fiction to drama. When the card is from the major arcana, the title of the work should be the card name. When the card is from the minor arcana, the title can be different but the card drawn should be revealed at the end.

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