excerpts from HARDER, FASTER, WETTER
Yay, thesis! Posting one-page excerpts from the first six works:
ASSHOLES and WHORES
CHRIS You’ve done something wrong, something that destroyed me. I wanted to let it slide but I couldn’t. You have to suffer. You have to feel pain as I did.
MARTHA Whatever it is, I don’t deserve to die.
CHRIS Don’t you, Martha?
MARTHA No. Please. I have parents, friends, a life.
CHRIS You don’t deserve to die. Funny. (laughs)
MARTHA Why are you –
CHRIS It’s so fucking funny that you take me as a dipshit son of a bitch. You honestly think I’m stupid.
MARTHA No, please –
CHRIS But what can I expect from a brainless whore?
MARTHA Stop, please, don’t kill me. (sobs) I don’t deserve to die.
CHRIS How can you say that when you don’t know what you did to me?
MARTHA Please, please.
CHRIS Tell me.
MARTHA Stop it.
CHRIS You don’t even remember me, do you?
MARTHA No. No! Is that what you want to hear? That I don’t remember all the men I’ve fucked?
CHRIS (laughs) You think you fucked me. You? Me?
MARTHA Isn’t that what this is?
CHRIS I tell you you did something bad to me and you immediately assume that you fucked me. Whore!
MARTHA I don’t know. What did I do?
CHRIS Do you remember this face? These eyes? This smile?
MARTHA No, I told you.
CHRIS Good. Everything changed the moment you hurt me. I lost everything. My life changed. My fucking face changed. Look at it, Martha. Memorize it. It’s probably the last face you’ll see.
SEVEN DEADLY WOMEN
CELESTE Shut up!
MICO You shut up!
CELESTE No, you shut up!
MICO This is so frustrating! All this over a cake?
CELESTE Can you read, Mico?
MICO Can you let things go?
CELESTE (reading what is on the cake) “Happy Retirement, Priscilla.”
CELESTE First off, your mother’s name is Prudence not Priscilla. And it’s her birthday, not her retirement.
MICO So it’s a little typo –
CELESTE A little typo? I let you do one thing for your mother’s birthday –
MICO It’s not enough we hold the party here –
CELESTE – And you still screw it up.
MICO Let it go, Celeste. Mama wouldn’t care. What is the big deal?
CELESTE The big deal is you don’t care about me or what is important to me or whether or not we get my — our money!
Rick ties Joe at the bedpost.
RICK Haven’t you been tied up before?
JOE One of my customer wanted to be tied up while I fucked him.
RICK Don’t you like that?
JOE I don’t!
RICK How does it feel?
JOE My job is tied to the bed, now, it happens to be literal. Of all the guys, I had the misfortune to be tied up with you. You’re rich, you have looks, a little scary, sure. Don’t you have a boyfriend?
JOE Why aren’t you tying him up?
RICK I caught him being fucked by someone else.
JOE Someone you knew?
RICK A callboy.
JOE (panic) Sir, that wasn’t me, what are you, why are —
RICK Relax. Do you trust me?
RICK Good decsion. You shouldn’t trust anyone, especially a guy you’ve only known one night. What if I leave you here? Soundproof. There’s a ‘do not disturb’ sign at the door. What is the worst that I could do to you?
JOE Kill me.
RICK Sure? (tickles Joe at the ribs)
RUSS (CONT’D) Jared. Coach told me to get close to him so I could steal strategies from our biggest opponent.
Someone throws him a ball which he starts dribbling.
RUSS (CONT’D) Thanks! We could learn the workings of their team and score some hidden weakness before the game.
Jared approaches him and they start playing basketball.
RUSS (CONT’D) Hey, Jared. I’m Russ. (Does a fancy dribble) Can you do this? Yeah, yeah, come on. Wooh! And he shoots!
As Russ jumps to shoot the ball, Jared blocks him and accidentally hugs him. They stare into each other for a moment and suddenly Russ kisses Jared.
KEN, THIRD, ROJ Do, do, do, do do, do be do, do do do do do do, do, be, do.
JARED Uh, yes!
RUSS His body against mine. The heat of the game letting itself out in the ultimate competition. If I want him, he’s mine.
JARED Oh god, help me.
The HEART of the MATTER
CHRIS Phil! Phil! I know place. Small hut by outskirts of Bicol island. You love it there. Peaceful, Phil. Beautiful. We only people there. You have garden and I paint it. Imagine, in beautiful row, santans, orchids, lilacs, all them as we dream of. No fighting there, Phil, only flowers and rocks and beaches. We be happy there. We forget past, forget even now.
VIPER (walking towards Chris and tries to take his intangible hand) I know, Chris.
CHRIS Phil, you see it, we be so happy there. I paint you as you walk down sandy shoreline and you laugh because you think my paintings no do justice then I mope but you cheer me up by saying ‘Chris, Chris pa-kiss’ – oh, Phil, but it alright. It alright. I no need paintings. I no need flowers. Beaches. I need you, Phil.
REVEREND FATHER This is preposterous, rebel scum.
CHRIS (noticing the Reverend Father) What he -? No! He a bad man, Phil! A bad man! Stay away from him, Phil. He a bad man! He mow down entire cavalry. He murder everyone! Take care from bad man, Phil.
VIPER Hush, bad man can’t hurt you, Chris.
CHRIS (to the Reverend Father) Stay away from Phil, bad man! Stay away from us. You no harm Phil. You stay away from Phil, bad man. Phil do you no harm and you do no harm Phil!
VIPER Chris, stop fighting. Bad man won’t hurt me. Bad man won’t hurt us.
CHRIS Phil, someone has to fight for us. We no live at beach. We fight for us, Phil. For our future. No more, Phil. I no longer Chris. Chris is gone. From now on, I Panther! Like Panther, I strike death into hearts of bad men. I fight for us, Phil. I promise and I come back. Because if I not fight, Phil, who will?
VIPER I’ll fight for you, baby.
BED of ROSES
RAY You mean you like how I suck your dick? How I lick your balls? How I fuck your ass?
DANIEL Not so loud.
RAY It was just as much as pleasurable for you as it was for me.
DANIEL But you’re gay, it means more to you than it would to me.
RAY That doesn’t mean I’d enjoy it more than you would. Remember, I wanted to sleep and you begged me.
DANIEL Because it’s fine with me.
RAY Keep telling yourself that. (beat) Your girlfriend’s mouth’s not good enough.
DANIEL That’s what this is about. You’re jealous. You feel something for me and you want me to feel something back. (beat) I’m straight.
RAY Then why are you here?
DANIEL When a guy cheats, they either always blame him or blame the other woman. They vilify the other woman without thinking — it’s actually a big compliment for her. Actually, it’s the fault of the first girlfriend — she has something missing, something the other woman has. So, can you just feel flattered?
RAY I have a dick and your girlfriend doesn’t. Wow.
DANIEL You’re overthinking.
RAY You’re right. It’s always my fault. Jesus.