Girl, 10 Signs Your Guy’s Sleeping with Another Guy

*written due to the popularity of kabit themes*

Honey, we know we’re your best friends. When you’re stressed, you relax with us. When you’re problematic, we try to solve your problems. When you’re not that good in bed, you run to us for sex advice. But let’s face the truth: You’re secretly a little afraid of us.

Not of your gay best BEST friend, of course. But of gay men in general. We know how much you dread that moment when you suspect your hubby’s sleeping with someone else — and you know all the signs of it. Lipstick on the collar, deleted text messages, receipts that don’t match. Sure.

But we know how much more you dread it when they don’t sleep around with one of you but with one of us.

So I’m gonna let out on a little secret here, perhaps to the disdain of gay men everywhere trying to have affairs, but here’s 10 little signs he might be giving up on women altogether:

1. Guys hang out in groups. That is practically law. I know you’re pissed when your guy spends far too much time playing DoTA (or whatever the hell straight guys play these days) than spending time listening to your gossip. But, that’s normal. Get annoyed he’s not spending time with you but you’re good. BUT if he starts just hanging-out with one (1, uno, un, isang) “bro,” you gotta start having doubts. That “special DoTA session” with his “best friend” in said best friend’s room? Honey, it’s not a mouse he’s clicking (or double-clicking for that matter). And when you start hearing them shout “First Blood,” it probably means something else.

2. You know all the tells of a mistress. Most of them involve gifts your boyfriend gives them, or perhaps promises he never intended to keep. Here’s the catch for us. We don’t need gifts. We don’t need promises. Unlike most mistresses who do have a moral crisis about what they’re doing and need (for lack of a better term) bribes, we don’t. We don’t need — and actually we don’t want — promises and dreams of the future. For us it’s really just sex. If he’s coming to us, he’s probably not getting it from you (or not getting it good, whichever is applicable). So if you haven’t had sex in a while, and when you finally tried to with him and he was, let’s say, not so receptive, and you can’t find the telltale signs you know, he’s probably getting his action from the traction. Which leads us to:

3. We actually know what to do with a dick. Primarily because we have one, secondarily because we grew up as boys and we’ve seen (and played!) with lots of them. It’s as simple as that, really. For lots of men, straight or gay, all that matters is their dick. And a place to put it in. NOW, if you know you don’t really have the “skills” in the gustatory department, and he probably has complained to you about it for a long time before suddenly stopping the nagging, he’s probably putting it somewhere else. When he starts coaching you on how to do it, he probably learned it from the experts (aka. us).

4. We know how much you two trust and love each other. We get it. It’s so cute, it’s sickening (until it’s hypocritical). You guys share your Facebook accounts, your phones, etc. We get it. You’re “one.” I know you’re screening all the women who message him. Let’s face it, honey, you do. No matter how secure you are. A simple message of “Hi, let’s hang-out” from a female would drive you insane. When you figure out it’s a guy, go ahead. That’s a crucial mistake. Honey, guys don’t BUZZ each other, they don’t say, “How are you, bro? Hang-out later, same time same place?” And they definitely won’t say “Thanks for last night.” How do I know? What do you think I text my guys?

5. When your boyfriend introduces you to his new gay best friend who he met while, say, at drama camp or something, and you’re perfectly aware that the two of them had drinks at said gay man’s place, and your boyfriend and his new gay BFF suddenly spend so much time talking on the phone, be suspicious. BE VERY SUSPICIOUS.

5.5. If you’re ugly, be suspicious. BE VERY SUSPICIOUS. In general. We have eyes. So does your boyfriend.

6. When you think of gyms, I know you think of sweaty, disgusting place, filled with the odor of gym socks, and lots and lots of men, it’s nauseating. Well, when I think of gyms, I think of sweaty, disgusting places, filled with the odor of gym socks, and lots and lots and lots and lots of men, it’s absolutely heaven. The time has gone where gyms where just for work-outs. In fact, a lot of people (myself included) go to gyms for a different kind of work-out. Simply put, if your man wanted to lose weight? He’d buy a pair of barbels, jog, and diet. If he’s starting to spend a little too much time at the gym, like, you’ve had your nails done, you’ve gone to the salon, you’ve shopped, and he’s still at the gym? He’s probably at the sauna, where, you know, naked men hang out. Literally, hang out.

7. You know what the culprit in most situations are? Alcohol. Lots and lots of alcohol. Sure, inuman sessions are generally masculine. Fine. But you’re not there, you have no idea how a simple inuman could get a little bit risque. In particular, drinking games, dares, stripping games, you know, the works. One time, this straight guy dared me to lick his upper body. I couldn’t count on my digits how many people, straight, gay, bi, bicurious, straight-tripper, bi-friendly, bayot, whatever, I’ve made-out with, drunk. BUT: as terrifying as drunk games are, what should be MORE terrifying for you is what happens after. “Babe, I’m too drunk, I’m gonna crash here at Jopet’s place.” And you’re thinking, sure, he’s drunk, best not to travel. Honey, you’ve seen “Ang Lihim ni Antonio,” you know what happens at night. My favorite X-Men, for instance, is Nightcrawler.

8. I hate to be fundamentalist but here I go: You and your boyfriend are not friends. He may be your boyfriend, your husband, the father of your kids, your ex, your fucking soulmate, still not your friend. He may love you, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t like you a lot. Because that’s just how love works. I’ve hanged-out with more straight guys than I have girls or gay guys, and I know for a fact how much they talk crap about their girlfriends. You wanna know what boys like? Adventure. Action. Thriller. Not drama. Not romantic comedy. Where do you think they’re gonna get thrills from? From defying rules. Where does adventure come in? From exploring territories that may be a bit scary but still relatively new to them. Where do they get action? From us. In other words, if he gets boring, then he’s probably getting his thrills, adventure, and, most importantly, action from us.

9. We’ve established that men are ruled by their dicks. They need nothing else. SO, when for some strange reason, they suddenly got fascinated with, say, the theatre, able to sing “Defying Gravity” or “Mamma Mia” pitch perfectly, or able to recite a quote from Othello, or be able to know the difference in holding a glass of white wine and a glass of red wine, or no longer wants to pair stripes with plaid, or softly hums Madonna while he pees (MADONNA. MADONNA. NOT GAGA. MADONNA.). Remember that this all had to happen for some STRANGE reason. He’s probably learning the proper culture from someone in bed. [Note: This is ridiculously stereotypical, yet, to get a quote from “Avenue Q,” “…we laugh because it’s based on truth. Don’t take them as personal attacks.” #self-referential]

10. An inexplicable soar throat, an awkward walk, shaky knees. Oh, and not to be graphic but probably the simplest: Check his rear end. If you toss in a finger (or two, or three) and he’s doesn’t complain much, that’s probably a sign. If you don’t have anything to compare it with, google “devirginized ass”.

But, and perhaps more importantly, the point I want to drive at is simple: It’s not that I’m encouraging cheating, but you have to understand that there is a reason he is cheating. This is not to justify anything nor to alleviate blame. If he is a cheating bastard, he is a cheating bastard. The person cheated with may share the blame, but, and I’m speaking as someone who has been in this situation (a lot), there is a reason they cheat. It may be unforgivable. It may be inexcusable. But it is understandable.

To close, my Ate Tyra Banks said it perfectly: “Gay or straight, men are men, and men are nasty.”