Disney Princesses from Least Slutty to Sluttiest

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Who is the sluttiest one of all?

It was never a secret that I’ve always been a big fan of the Disney Princesses franchise. Yes, I took my Literature courses that taught me that Disney Princesses are oppressive, sexist mechanism used to promote an image and persona of the ideal Western woman. I’m aware of how it’s a tool to segregate the identities of young boys and girls. I’m aware of how it fosters a beauty-centric, heteronormal culture. But on the flip side, they’re just so fucking pretty.

There’s a lot of articles posted online ranking the Disney Princesses from least feminist to most feminist (assuming that “being” a feminist is something that can actually be ranked). However, because feminism is just so much fun to talk about, let’s turn political correctness on its head and create a flip-side list — Disney Princess from LEAST SLUTTY TO THE SLUTTIEST!

Let us post a caveat here. If you find this list offensive, feel free to think this is satire.

11) PRINCESS MERIDA (BRAVE)

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Princess Merida is not officially a Disney Princess until May this year. [edit: she is one now!] Yet, for the sake of this list let us rank her, and let us be generous by ranking her as the least slutty princess. (In fact, she’s the frigid princess.) We can do worse, but let’s give Merida merit. The guys she was supposed to marry were horrible — but even if they weren’t, Merida refused to mate with anyone, choosing instead independence. She rejected all the silly female things her mother forced her to do. She is the first and only Disney Princess to champion what it means to be single, what it means to be powerful, what it means to be a warrior.

10) FA MULAN (MULAN)

From the time Mulan was released in 1998 up to the release of Brave last year, Fa Mulan championed the ranks of “feminist’ princesses. She was a warrior and she did not live and die by a man. The way gender is analyzed and parodied in the movie is unparalleled. Fa Mulan’s awesome, she’s strong, she saves fucking China, and she still manages to get a guy, so, yay, good for her. The reason that I edged Princess Merida clearly over Fa Mulan was because the latter, though conflicted, still attempted to give in to social pressures at various parts of the films. And it’s not just at the beginning with the matchmaker. Specific incidents in the film are present whre you could see her slowly starting to get the hots for Li Shang, and you just want to bang her on the head, saying, “Honey, you’re in the middle of the war. Rear that vagina in.”

9) POCAHONTAS (POCAHONTAS)

Barring the fact that the film is rife with offensive historical errors (such as Matoaka actually being 12 years old when the English came), without a doubt, Pocahontas (as depicted in film and not as a product of historical fiction) is my favorite Disney “Princess.” Sure, I have problems with the film, mostly due to how the actual “villain” was personified by a person, Governor Ratcliffe, instead of blaming a culture of colonialization, but, fine. I really like Pocahontas mostly because, when push came to shove, she was the only “Princess” gutsy enough to say no to a guy at the most crucial time. She chose a life with her people, with nature, and her land over a “civilized” city to live with a guy she can magically talk to. Fine, she caved in to sensuality every now and then by defying orders and meeting with John Smith by her creepy grandmother (eventually, you know, becoming the trigger for war in the whole West Side Story-vein), but she fixed and surpassed her mistakes so all’s well that ends well.

8) PRINCESS RAPUNZEL (TANGLED)

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I love Princess Rapunzel. She’s so pretty, she actually does look like Mandy Moore. And I liked the film, mostly how it clashes with early Disney Princesses (ie, I’m so depressed because I’m trapped here, boo hoo), well, here’s a princess who’s literally trapped yet fights her way with her hair and a frying pan (two items that represent how women are tied down — beauty and the kitchen). She’s so spunky and refreshing, the princess who actually has lots of fun, aside from Princess Merida. And when her hair was cut, she didn’t go The Moment I Saw You Cry over it. I would’ve ranked her higher up on the list, yet this is a lady who has never seen a guy before in her life, and, when she does, the first thing she does is bondage. I would at least wait for the third date before bringing up fetish.

7) PRINCESS TIANA (THE PRINCESS AND THE FROG)

I’m not all too comfortable putting Princess Tiana way up here, but let’s start with the least evil amongst them all. Her dreams all the way from the beginning were about independence and success (albeit a capitalist one). And she wanted to (and worked for) opening her own business, which is something some of her privileged co-princess brats would not do. It was just all too problematic how she eventually caved in and listened to Oprah by giving up her dreams to be with a goddamn frog. Oh, and if you’re wondering why she’s actually on the slutty list, well, remember that she was willing to kiss the prince if (and only if) he were to pay her lots of money. Hmmm. A sexual favor for cash. I wonder what they call that. (She did get punished for it by being transformed into a frog, but still.)

6) BELLE (BEAUTY AND THE BEAST)

We’re now at the middle princesses — slutty but not too slutty. Let’s begin with Princess Belle, who a lot of people seem to like. I always found it weird why she’s the “intellectual” princess. She wanted to be free of provincial life — well, all of them did. She liked reading books, fine and dandy, but her favorite book was a fucking fairy tale about Prince Charming (she and Prince Adam did read Romeo and Juliet, but let’s not pretend Juliet wasn’t a slutty little girl.) So let’s not pretend she’s the most intellectual of them all. I also don’t get why she didn’t sleep with Gaston. Gaston was hot. Anyway, Princess Belle had to be a sexual little deviant with an abused wife complex and play victim-turned-lover with Prince Adam. She wanted to break free from the oppression of small village life and ended up from the oppression of palace life. I would’ve ranked her lower on this list, but there are FAR worse princesses.

5) SULTANA JASMINE (ALADDIN)

Aladdin is one of the most politically incorrect, homogenizing Disney films (right up there with Pocahontas). First off, from a culture that has women cover their whole body up, Sultana Jasmine has guts. If a Muslim woman were to wear what she’s wearing, she’d get stoned. I am not justifying Muslim culture, however, we have to be sensitive with what their culture requires. Sultana Jasmine is the pinnacle of the privileged, self-absorbed princess. On one hand, she wanted independence (a very American concept) because her greatest problem was she didn’t want to marry. All the while, the people of her city are fucking starving, and she and her very incompetent father are troubled by marriage. She goes around with her grand statements “I am not a prize,” “I want to be free,” and yet, that’s exactly how she acts. If you don’t want to be subjugated to the masculine superiority, then don’t accept rides from strangers, no matter if it’s a car or a magic carpet. Because if you refuse sex after that, you’re a bitch.

4) PRINCESS CINDERELLA (CINDERELLA)

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Now that we’re at the early princesses, it’s quite difficult to differentiate the bad from the worse. They’re all equally useless, slutty, and silly. Let me try my best. Princess Cinderella edges out over Princess Aurora and Princess Snow White, if only because she was actually concious the whole film. Literally concious, not socially concious, mind you, she was the slave of the society, and she adhered to it to the letter. She was desperate enough to join in the charade that is a ball to find a man. She more or less believes in love at first sight, her looks being her biggest asset. Okay, fine, at the very least, at least she had a chance to dance with Prince Charming in a romantic way (no lines), so, fine. However, she left his house at midnight, without giving a name and leaving an article of clothing behind. I have two words for that. The first starts with a B, the second with a C.

3) PRINCESS SNOW WHITE (SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS)

I don’t like Princess Snow White. If I had to give one reason, it’s because she doesn’t have boobs. I find it disturbing that she’s the only princess without boobs, I mean, how does that work in the Disney Princess mansion? I have lots of problems with Snow White. She goes to a house and her first impulse is to clean it. She has an army of animal slaves who do her cleaning. Oh, and don’t get me started on those dwarfs. Six old rich men and their mentally-challenged, young, Asian sex slave Dopey? Her prince wears lipstick, so again, don’t get me started on him. So, you know what, if that’s how she rolls, let’s leave her be. I mean, if you wake up from the dead, you see your friends and how they’ve created a nice little coffin for you, how they mourn you, your first impulse is to go with the guy who basically kissed you when you’re dead. Without even knowing him. Without even knowing his name.

2) PRINCESS AURORA (SLEEPING BEAUTY)

Alright, Princess Aurora at number two. Now, don’t get me wrong, I joke about it, but I really do like Princess Aurora. I love Malificent, I love Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather, and I think Prince Philip’s the hottest prince in the franchise. Plus, the animation’s really pretty. With that said, there’s really not much to Princess Aurora except she goes with the guy who borderline rapes her when she’s dead. Plus, she’s desperate enough for a man that she dances with an owl dressed as a guy. She fucking dances with a fucking owl dressed as a guy. I don’t know if there’s a measure on how desperate Disney Princesses can be, but nothing tops dancing with a fucking owl. That merits being said thrice.

 1) PRINCESS ARIEL (THE LITTLE MERMAID)
If I were to be objective, Princess Aurora should’ve been the sluttiest of them all. But I’m not objective. My disdain for Princess Ariel outweights my objectivity, so let me put her at number one and find a way to justify that. I don’t know if it’s the clamshell bra, but she has the smallest breasts among the Disney Princesses (Princess Snow White doesn’t count — she has none.) I have so many problems with her I don’t even know where to begin. How about the fact that she gives up absolutely everything in her life to be with a guy she has seen for less than one minute? How about the fact that she measures her self-worth in only two terms: beauty and voice? How about the fact that she kept trying to kiss Prince Eric on their first official date? I really don’t get it — why didn’t she even ask Prince Eric to transform for her, she had to be the one to transform for him. She was never really free, she went from being a rebellious daughter to what could only be a rebellious wife. I joked about it earlier saying that the most desperate thing a Disney Princess could do is dance around with a fucking owl. I was wrong! The most desperate thing a Disney Princess could do is give away her life for a man she literally doesn’t know.
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Comments? Disagree with the listing? Angry that your favorite princess was called a slut? Leave a note below!

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