Springtime for Hitler
Gary — An American foreign exchange student in Germany
Karl — His German roommate
Setting: Gary and Karl’s dorm room. A quarter past nineteen one hundreen hours. Or, as the Germans call it, pot time.
KARL: No, no, Großer, Bruno is Austrian, not German.
GARY: But, like, dude, he’s like German, I sees some shit he has on the telly. Def’ntely German. <hic> And me mate saw him once trying to hit on this German-ish-ly-ic looking dude.
KARL: Nicht, mein freund. He is a character portrayed by Sacha Bonham Carter.
GARY: Real, fake, German, Australian, is it all different? <hic> I saw that film with Julie Roberts, the one with the hills and the fake nun who starts a choir. Some sort of flower shit that me chick cried about. A tulip.
GARY: God bless you too. <hic> So about this Hitler dude.
KARL: Mein fuhrer?
GARY: Yeah, yours if fewer, I gots more here if you want. (tosses him more hash)
KARL: You haven’t answered my question, Großer. If you could go back through time and kill the baby Hitler, would you?
GARY: God’s sake, mate, if I was to go back in time, I’m not going to Nazi Germany.
KARL: It’s not Nazi Germany, it’s before Nazi Germany. The Second Reich.
GARY: I’ll pass. I’d rather do the Fourth Rice. <hic> If only for contemporary reasons. Now I gots more important questions that your kiling Baby Hitler in the manger. If you could bone Hitler, would you?
KARL: Christ’s sake, Großer, I’m not gay.
GARY: I’d bone Hitler.
KARL: You gay?
GARY: Nah. I don’t think so. You know my favorite German-ish philantrophist? Emmanuelle Kant. She was awesome in Entourage, plus, how many tinklers could you say I love Kant and get away with it.
KARL: You can’t love Kant.
GARY: I can fuck Kant, I can eat Kant, I can do whatever I want with Kant. I will sing and dance with Kant tonight! I Kant touch this! (stands around, jumping and dancing, and falls down)
KARL: (laughing loudly) Dumme Amerikaner.
GARY: Douche, come on help me up.
KARL: Sorry, couldn’t help it. Scahdenfreudde.
GARY: God bless you too.
KARL: So how do you find Goethe?
GARY: Nah, I don’t think you’re too fat yet.
This is the 100 Songs Project, a 100-day writing challenge based on AFI’s 100 Years…100 Songs. Every day, I write a short poem, prose piece, or play based on, reacting to, rejecting, accepting, or doing something related to one of the songs in the top 100 list.
Please consider liking Deelaytful on Facebook. We’re doing a promotion in preparation for the 200th post in a couple of weeks. If we get 500 likes before the 200th post, I will be uploading a video of myself singing a medley of Disney Princesses songs on YouTube.
- John Fugelsang on Hitler, gun control and right-wing lies (current.com)
- Why the church supported Hitler (johnmeunier.wordpress.com)
- 20 Things You Didn’t Know About Hitler (coed.com)
- Hitler’s ‘Mein Kampf’ may return to Germany (warhistoryonline.com)
- Happy Birthday, Adolf Hitler (john-friend.net)