10 Ways To Purge Myself Of You

(1) WATCH cat videos on Youtube. Everyone loves cats and, most importantly, cats are safe. Cats will not hurt you. Sometimes they will leave you to chase after something more interesting than your whining, but that’s okay. You’re used to people leaving you anyway.

(2) TAKE a bath. Go all the way: throw in your bubbles, your cologne, your bath salts. Light candles, put on Adele. You know, the works. And as you submerge in the bathtub, just remember how much time and effort it took to draw this bath but that it will soon be over. No one spends their entire life in a bathtub. We all dry ourselves at the end, blow out the candles, and turn off our iPod. There is no forever.

(3) LEARN a new hobby. Write poetry, sing a song, knit a sweater, cook spaghetti, download an app to teach you German. You would busy your mind for a few hours until you realize the poem you wrote was about him, the song you sang was in his voice, the sweater you knit was in his size, the spaghetti you cooked was to his taste, and the only reason you learned German was so you could tell him “I love you” in as many languages as possible.

(4) SMOKE one more cigarette. You’re trying to quit and you’re way past your daily quota, but you don’t care. You know cigarettes will kill you but you figure that that would be less painful. Dangerous for your health: Sometimes, cigarettes. Sometimes, him.

(5) BANG your head on the steering wheel. Turn on the ignition and just drive. Drive towards the sunset. Drive under the starless night. Drive through the city filled with couples holding hands. Drive through spotlights and flashing billboards and prostitutes. Drive with no destination, no goal, no journey. You figure that if you can’t find yourself, maybe you can lose yourself.

(6) HANG-OUT with your friends. Annoy them. Bother them. Rant about all your problems. You’re still lonely, but at least you won’t be alone. Someone can call 911 if you decide to overdose.

(7) GO to a rave. Even if you’ve never been to one before. Especially if you’ve never been to one before. Don’t dance, just stand straight in the middle and feel how the people bump and throw themselves against you. Feel the chaos, the madness. Be the insane pretending to be sane in a techno-punk madhouse.

(8) STOP listening to love songs. Specifically, stop listening to songs that he sang to you. Fuck Adam Levine, what does he know about love? Deactivate your Spotify account, delete your iTunes playlist, and start anew. Maybe start with songs from Sesame Street. They never hurt anyone.

(9) GATHER all the things that remind you of him. Things he touched, things he slept on, things you made love on. Gather them all in your living room and get ready to burn them but stop at the last minute. You realize that if you burn everything that has his memory on it, you would burn everything you own. Including yourself.

(10) LIE down in bed at three o’clock in the morning, at four o’clock in the morning, at five o’clock in the morning, counting the spiderwebs in your ceiling, counting the times your fan rotates per minute, counting the number of cars that pass by. You will be able to sleep soon. Your pillow won’t be soaked in sweat and tears anymore. You will be able to smile again and mean it. Right?